


Everything Means Nothing - If I Ain't Got You

by ken_ichijouji (dommific)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Frottage, Happy Ending, M/M, Male Character POV, oh god the angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-14
Updated: 2014-02-14
Packaged: 2018-01-12 10:13:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1185050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dommific/pseuds/ken_ichijouji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While on a new planet, Jim gets injured. When he awakens, he finally has everything he's ever wanted.</p><p>Or does he?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything Means Nothing - If I Ain't Got You

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [Jim and Bones](http://jim_and_bones.livejournal.com) Sweetheart Challenge. 
> 
> The prompt was as follows. Dream On: Jim is in love with his best friend, but he believes the feelings aren't returned. When he's caught by an alien device, he'd rather stay in his dreamworld where Bones loves him than return to his real life. (Cue the angst. Happy ending not required, but would be wonderful.) 
> 
> Let's see if he gets that happy ending?
> 
> The song at the end of the fic is "You are My Sunshine." The tile of the fic is taken from "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys.
> 
> Yes, I used Chris Pine's ex for the marine biologist. Stranger things have happened.
> 
> Link to the corresponding fic from Bones' POV forthcoming.
> 
> Beta'ed by Maypirate, with an additional hand-holding/feedback session by weepingnaiad.

The planet was fine, if not dull as dishwater.

Jim sighed, shielding his eyes from the three suns as he surveyed the land around them. It was basically the Tahiti planet, really. Ninety percent of the surface was covered by crystalline waters, the remaining ten percent beaches with lush palm-resembling trees high in the air. Most of the life on the planet was aquatic, of course, with the dominant species being like a hybrid between manatees and great whites.

Okay so those were actually scary as fuck, Jim realized.

They looked like cows, except when they opened their jaws there were six rows of giant, jagged, flesh-ripping teeth. One of the _Enterprise_ ’s Marine Biologists, Lieutenant Piek, almost got her face ripped off when she got too close.

Naturally, she didn’t really care since she got it on film. She had three papers planned by the time she beamed back.

Jim sighed, watching the waves roll in. Sure, there was tons of danger lurking around every corner, as Starfleet had never explored this planet before. None of the flora or fauna had been documented, so the carnivorous manatees were likely the beginning.

But that crystalline sea, the pink sand...it was perfect. It would be perfect, the perfect place to walk hand-in-hand with the love of his life.

Bones stood nearby, not paying attention to anything except the alleged healing properties of a species of fruit on nearby bushes. Captivated, he kept taking readings on his tricorder, hardly paying anyone else any mind. 

Jim stared at him, noting the way the sun exposure had brought out more freckles on Bones’ face. His eyes focused on the tricorder, and he worried his bottom lip with his teeth. Pausing to wipe sweat off his brow, Bones continued his work with a fervor that made knots form in Jim’s stomach.

Would it really be so impossible for Bones to look that way at---

Better to not go there.

Jim sighed. He forced himself to look away, at the scenery, the other crew, _anything_ that wasn’t Bones.

He decided moving was the solution, because the temptation for his eyes to stray back to Bones was far too strong. So he left the shore, heading into the green forest nearby. There were tons of exotic looking flowers, many of which hadn’t been catalogued yet. Sulu wasn’t due down until the next shift; maybe he could get a head start on that.

There was one blossom in particular that caught his eye. It was luminescent, a light silver almost lavender fading into white on its petals. The center of it was filled with eggplant purple pestles, and Jim noted that it had to be a half a foot in size. He smiled, imagining what it would be like to give a bouquet of them to Bo...someone.

The smile instantly faded, the typical sting filling his heart instead. Childish flights of fancy and nothing more. Sighing, Jim stepped towards the plant. He considered picking one anyways, just to have it in his quarters. He reached out towards a particularly open blossom, intending to pluck it.

When his hand was a couple inches away, something wrapped around his wrist. Startled, Jim looked; it was purple vines, ostensibly from the same plant, so tight his circulation almost cut off. Jim tried to pull his arm back, but it was held fast. 

“Shit,” he said as he grabbed his knife from his belt left-handed. Before he could act, more vines snapped out, wrapping and twisting around his limbs. Jim struggled to free himself, but they were far stronger than he was, and he realized he was caught.

“Help!” he called towards the shore, hoping the small distance he was within the forest wouldn’t prevent him from being heard. “Help! Bones!”

More vines wrapped around him, concentrating on his torso. Several of the flowers were attached to them, and they slithered around his body to form an arrangement over his heart.

Right when he was about to scream again, more of the blossoms shoved into his mouth. Jim’s eyes widened in panic as a cold sweat broke out on his forehead. He was going to die at this rate; the vines were crushing his chest, and it wouldn’t be long before the flowers choked him. 

Jim tried again to shout, run, anything at all, but he was trapped. There was no way out. More flowers gathered on his chest, around his arms, in his mouth. It was enough to terrify him that this was how he was going to end up. Tears of frustration filled his eyes, but he blinked them back as he kept trying to even free a pinky. 

Then there was blessed darkness.

\------

He didn’t know anything including how much time had passed, but the fact that Jim woke up at all was a cause for celebration. His eyes opened, and though blurry, he recognized the Sick Bay ceiling instantly.

His mouth bone dry, Jim licked his lips. “Bones?”

The sound of rustling caught his attention, and Jim looked to his left. There sat Bones in a chair next to his bed, his face and eyes filled with relief and joy.

“Thank God,” Bones said. He stood, standing by the bed and holding Jim’s hand in both of his. “I wasn’t...it...”

“....long?” Jim managed. His mind felt sluggish, lumbering and slow. It had to have been a while.

“A week,” Bones answered. He stroked Jim’s paper-dry skin. “A week, and we weren’t sure you’d ever come back. We don’t know what that plant did to you.”

Jim tried to sit up, but his body felt like lead. He mumbled out a moan, struggling for anything other than the nothing he could do. Attempting to wet his lips, he just kind of made a small sound. Bones reached near his head, grabbing something and pulling it towards his mouth. 

It was a cup of ice water.

“Here,” Bones said, his voice filled with warmth and a gentleness Jim had never heard. “Sip as slowly as you can muster.”

Jim followed instructions, too wiped to argue or be disobedient. The water was cool, but not cold, as it went down his throat. It soothed some of the parchedness, and this time, when he licked his lips, it did something.

Bones pushed a button for the biobed to incline, sitting Jim up. His left hand still held Jim’s, his thumb drifting in slow circles over his knuckles. In spite of everything, this simple, soft touch was enough to raise heat in Jim’s cheeks.

“We still don’t understand it,” Bones said. “Piek found you. It took us wearing biohazard suits to free you. Every time someone tried with their bare hands, the plant ensnared them too. We used a laser cutter and the suits to free you, but you stayed out for a week.” 

Jim nodded.

Bones bit his lip. “Scariest seven days I’ve ever spent.”

Not understanding why, Jim stared at Bones. For a second, Bones opened his mouth to speak again before he decided against it, clamping his lips shut.

Jim sat as straight as he could, electing to let Bones speak when the time was right.

Bones tried again after another few minutes. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know, and I took things for granted, and I...” His grip shifted, lacing his fingers in between Jim’s. He squeezed once.

Jim’s eyes widened. What?

Again, Bones faltered under the power of his own words. It was the most afraid Jim had ever seen him. “It’s...I’m sorry...” Bones began. “I should have known. I should have _seen_ without this. Without almost losing you. I didn’t, and here I am, and you probably don’t think of me this way, you probably don’t see me as anything but a drinking buddy...”

His heart soaring, Jim gathered his strength to squeeze Bones’ fingers. Bones’ expression became startled, and he looked at Jim with fear clouding his green-gold eyes.

“No,” Jim said. “I love...” 

Bones’ eyes lit up, shimmering like polished emeralds. He swallowed a few times. “You do?”

Jim nodded as furiously as he could manage. He squeezed his fingers a second time for good measure. 

Bones barked out a laugh, a boisterous, joyous sound that made Jim’s soul take flight. He leaned down, pressing their foreheads together. Jim closed his eyes, laughing a bit himself. He was still so tired, though, and after only a brief moment, he had to lean back and relax. Bones stroked his hair with his free hand. 

“Rest, darlin’,” Bones said. “Rest. I’ll be here when you _wake up_.”

Jim smiled, his eyes drifting shut as a pleasant, warm sleep overtook him. When he awoke, he again had no concept of how much time had passed, but Bones still sat by his side. This time he had dozed off himself, and Jim saw the circles under his eyes. Assuming Bones hadn’t slept much during his coma, Jim’s heart ached for a moment. 

“Bones?”

Bones stirred.

Jim cleared his throat; talking came easier this time. He already felt stronger, more lucid. “Bones?”

It worked the second time. Bones blinked his eyes open, focusing on Jim in the biobed. He smiled. “I almost thought I dreamed you.”

Jim smiled himself, soft and shy. “Me too. You don’t...” He cleared his throat, and Bones poured him another cup of water. Jim waved it off. “I just...I never thought you’d want me. I’ve spent all these years...”

“Shhh, darlin’.” Bones said, pressing two of his fingers to Jim’s lips. “It doesn’t matter now. What matters is we can take what’s ours. What matters is we woke up.”

Jim nodded. Bones’ fingers left his mouth, his hand instead cupping his cheek. “Can I get out of here? Just back to my quarters, you can put me on bed rest as long as it takes.”

“It’s not my call,” Bones said. “I had to...recuse myself.”

Jim raised an eyebrow. 

Bones sighed. “I got compromised.”

Oh. “Oh, Bones,” Jim said. “I never would have----“

“Don’t apologize,” Bones said. “Because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have had all that time to think. I’d still be in the dark. And you made it.” Again, Bones stroked Jim’s hair, and Jim’s cheeks flooded with warmth. He wanted to be closer to him. “The things I just said are what matter. Nothing else.”

Jim’s smile softened. “Can you come here? I want...I need----“

Bones took a look around the med bay. It was empty. 

“Here.” 

He gestured for Jim to move over as best he could, and Jim did, though he wasn’t sure he left enough room for Bones. It didn’t matter; Bones climbed onto the bed, curling up around Jim and holding him close. Jim relaxed, pressing his cheek to Bones’. His heart skipped a beat in his chest as they cuddled, the biobed’s sensors beating double-time with both their hearts.

Jim sighed, pressing closer. “This is perfect.”

Bones made a sound that was an agreement. Their arms wrapped around each other, moving them as close together as two people could be. There was still no one in sickbay and Jim relished the solitude. Bones began to hum, a soft, slow song that Jim didn’t quite recognize as he stroked his blond hair.

“What’s that called?” Jim asked when Bones finished.

“’The Way You Look Tonight’,” Bones said. “It’s an old standard.”

Jim flushed, snuggling in closer. He shifted so his head tucked under Bones’ chin. “I’m not that spectacular right now.”

“You’re flawless,” Bones said. 

With a blush staining his cheeks, Jim didn’t argue. “So are you.”

Bones’ hand drifted to Jim’s back, stroking his skin through the slit in the back of his hospital gown. His thumb pressed against Jim’s spine, holding him so close Jim almost felt like they were becoming one. 

He didn’t mind, though.

After a little while, the curtain surrounding the bed pulled back. Bones looked up, Jim not bothering, as Geoff peered at the two of them. 

Geoff said some things to Bones that were all medical gibberish as far as Jim was concerned. Bones gave an assent, and Geoff left, not closing the curtain around them. 

“I can take you back to your room,” Bones said. “And they’ll let me watch over you for the next month.”

“A month?” Jim asked, yawning.

“Comas aren’t something a person just bounces back from,” Bones explained. “Your cognitive function is going to be impaired for a while.”

Jim huffed.

Bones smiled, his voice dripping honey as he said, “This means I get to stay by your side. I even get to bathe you.”

Unable to stop himself, Jim grinned. “Oh. Well. In that case....”

Bones snorted, kissing Jim’s hair. “The pleasure will all be mine.”

Jim cleared his throat, attempting to sit up so they could immediately go back to his room. It didn’t work, his head swimming as he lay back down in Bones’ arms. “Can we be beamed back?”

“Yeah,” Bones said. He grabbed his communicator from his pocket. “McCoy to transporter room.”

 _Aye, transporter room here,_ Scotty’s voice said from the device. _Go ahead, Doctor._

“Can you beam Jim and I from the coordinates in my comm to Jim’s bed in his quarters?”

 _Not a problem,_ Scotty said. 

Bones held Jim tight as the lights swirled around them. Sure enough, they lay on Jim’s bed in their embrace. Jim curled in closer, savoring the smell of Bones and the feel of his body heat. 

“I never want this to end,” Jim said. “I just want to stay like this.”

Bones chuckled. “We have to go back to work at some point.”

Pouting, Jim sighed. “Not for a while please. You don’t understand.”

Bones kissed his hairline.

“You really don’t,” Jim continued. “I’ve been aching for you for so long, Bones. Every dream...every wish...it’s all been for you.”

“You wished for the _Enterprise_ ,” Bones said.

“No,” Jim said. “I thought that was my dream, but my whole life, the only thing I’ve really wanted was you. I realized this a while ago...my ship, everything else pales in comparison to the longing I’ve felt for you.”

Bones didn’t argue a second time. He let go of Jim, moving just enough so he could pull off his shirts and toe off his boots. Once he was successful, Jim felt considerably more awake. He reached out, hand gliding across the freckles on Bones’ shoulders. Bones bit his bottom lip. “We shouldn’t.”

“Shouldn’t what?” Jim asked. His hands roamed everywhere they could, mapping every inch of exposed, warm skin. 

“You’re not ready,” Bones said. “Not yet. Maybe tomorrow when you’re stronger.”

Jim’s gaze lifted to Bones’ face; there was need and want in Bones’ eyes, but also doctor-ly concern. “I want to touch you. I want to know this is real. I need to know you’re real.”

Bones sighed, the trepidation fading from his eyes. “The second this is too much for you, we stop.”

“It won’t be,” Jim said.

“Like I won’t be able to tell,” Bones argued.

Smiling, Jim leaned up, pressing a kiss to the corner of Bones’ mouth. “I’d never try to fake it.” They kissed for real after that, Jim’s hands dipping to the small of Bones’ back to pull him close. Bones hesitated, but only for a second as he deepened their kiss. 

Nothing else mattered to Jim at that instant. Nothing but the feel of Bones against him, the warmth and touch and love he felt humming through his veins. Nothing in Jim’s life had ever felt so right or perfect. 

Nothing had ever made him feel so light or free.

Bones’ hands were deft as they undid the fastenings on the back of his gown, and once that task was complete, he pulled, taking it off Jim. Jim lay on his back, clad only in his briefs as he lay on his back on the bed. Bones looked at him, taking in the sight of his body.

“You’ve lost a few pounds,” Bones said. “But that can’t be helped. You’ve been living off fluids for a week.”

Jim snorted. “I guess this means you just have to fatten me up.”

“With pleasure,” Bones said, bending down to kiss Jim’s throat. “I’ll make all your favorites. Bacon-wrapped meatloaf.”

“Mmmm,” Jim said, arching to give Bones better access.

“Apple pie a la mode. Red velvet cake. Three cheese mac and cheese.” Bones rumbled out the words as his teeth nipped at Jim’s Adam’s apple.

Jim’s nails dug into Bones’ back. “You already have me. You don’t need to prove a point or make me yours. I’ve always been here.”

Bones chuffed out a laugh. “There’s got to be incentive for you to stay, is all.”

Wrapping a leg around Bones’ waist, Jim rolled his eyes. “Have I not been clear about how long I’ve been suffering from love for you?”

Propping himself up on his elbows, Bones looked into Jim’s eyes. “After what just happened to you, I think I’m allowed some possessiveness. Especially in light of your typical dating habits.”

“I only had those because I thought I couldn’t have you,” Jim said. “It was better than always sleeping alone.”

Bones rumbled out what might have been an agreement. His hands slid down to Jim’s hips, hovering at the waistband of his briefs. Jim lifted his hips, allowing him to peel them down. Jim returned the favor, undoing the fastenings on Bones’ pants, albeit somewhat clumsily. He pulled the fabric down, Bones boxers following suit with the pants. Bones toed off his socks, resuming his position on top of Jim. 

Gasping, Jim’s spine arched as their bodies made full contact. His cock sprung to life, filling as it rubbed against Bones’. Bones sighed, shifting his hips and rolling them into Jim. His nails dug in harder to Bones’ back, leaving marks. 

Slowly, almost too much so, Bones rolled his hips, their cocks rubbing against each other. Jim stuttered out a mewl as he wrapped his legs around Bones’ waist, pulling their bodies flush together. Bones growled into his ear, a soft, heavy sound that made Jim’s knees go weak. 

His eyes closing, Jim lay back so he could simply just _feel_ Bones. He could feel his heart pound in his chest, could feel the sweat slicken their bodies, the pressure of his weight. Jim moaned with every thrust, meeting Bones halfway. 

Bones’ growls grew louder, his thrusts gaining speed. Jim panted, cried out as he came, spurting on Bones’ chest. A bit embarrassed at his lack of stamina, Jim’s cheeks flooded red as he cast his eyes at his comforter. 

Bones didn’t seem to care as he kissed Jim, full of affection and love. Jim flushed for a different reason as he felt Bones’ muscles tense beneath his hands. Bones called out Jim’s name, and he felt something hot stripe him from abdomen to chest. Sighing, Bones rolled off him as Jim made a pleased whimper. 

“You all right?” Bones asked.

“Mmmhmmmm,” Jim said. “Though I feel like I’m sixteen.”

Chuckling, Bones kissed him again. “You’re not at 100%. It’s fine. I’m not either, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

Jim smiled. “You’re perfect.”

Stroking his face with the back of his hand, Bones smiled. “Let me clean us up.”

“’Kay,” Jim said as Bones hopped out of the bed, fetching a wet cloth. He came back, cleaning all of the come off Jim first before wiping himself down. After putting the cloth in Jim’s fresher, he came back to bed, wrapping Jim in his arms. He began to hum an old, soft song, and Jim smiled, his hands encircling Bones’ wrists. 

They lay together, Jim’s eyes slowly drifting shut. Bones nudged him. “Wake up.”

“I’m awake,” Jim said as he opened one eye. “I wouldn’t want to miss this.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t too much?” Bones said.

“Nope,” Jim replied. He leaned forward to kiss Bones. “It was just right.”

His shoulders losing their tension, Bones sat up. He grabbed Jim’s blue comforter, pulling it up over both of them. He wrapped his arms around Jim again, Jim’s head resting on his shoulder. Again, Jim’s heart swelled with joy and love. 

Everything was so perfect. 

“How much time do we have?” Jim asked.

“However much we want,” Bones said. “I can keep pleading compromised.”

Jim raised an eyebrow. “You mean lie to Geoff.”

“Lying is such an ugly word for it,” Bones said. “I’d be exaggerating.”

Jim smiled. “We’ll start with the month and go from there.”

“Sounds fine,” Bones said. His hand carded through Jim’s hair, fingers sliding through the blond strands. Jim sighed, closing his eyes, a gentle smile across his lips. 

It didn’t take long for him to drift off to sleep.

\-----

Time passed, more quickly than it had before, and Jim lost track of the days, weeks, perhaps even months.

Moments stood out more than entire days for him, but everything was bliss. 

Evenings spent watching movies, or rather, kissing and touching while movies played in the background. Vacation plans. Marriage plans. Breakfasts in bed. Nights spent nursing whiskey while snuggling beneath blankets on the couch. 

Everything was a whirlwind of joy, a whirlwind of every hope and happy thing Jim pined for all those years. Had a month passed? Had two? It didn’t matter. No one called for them. No one requested they go back on duty. They lived in a quiet little world in Jim’s quarters, no interruptions, no interlopers, nothing but each other.

It was like the world’s longest honeymoon. Sometimes Bones would cook. Sometimes Jim would try the same, and Bones would rescue him from his mistakes. Bones would hum “The Way You Look Tonight,” among other classic songs, holding him close as they moved in circles around the living room. Their love-making was perfection, a harmony of bodies and souls, slow and full of tenderness. 

Jim awoke one morning, blinking his eyes open to see Bones watching him. “Hello,” Jim said with a yawn, ending his word on a smile.

“Darlin’,” Bones said. Before Jim could ask, Bones pressed their lips together in a warm kiss. “Wake up,” Bones said when it ended. 

“I’m awake,” Jim said as he stretched. A wicked gleam formed in his eyes. “How do you feel about not leaving bed today?”

Bones laughed, warm and booming in the room. “We have to eat and relieve ourselves, you know.”

“Mmmm those are the exceptions,” Jim said. “But other than that. Just staying here. Just us and the sheets and comforter.”

“I can’t think of anywhere I’d rather be,” Bones said as he stole a second kiss. The kiss turned into another. Soon they were shedding their nightclothes, pressing together skin-to-skin. Jim sighed, content as could be, as Bones pressed hot kisses to his throat and collarbone.

“Captain,” a voice called, though it sounded faint.

Jim froze. “Do you hear that?” he asked Bones, blinking in the dim light of the room.

“I hear nothing but you,” Bones said, pulling Jim into another deep kiss. “Or feel. Taste. Smell.”

Smiling, Jim rolled them so it was Bones’ turn to lie on his back. “We always do it your way,” Jim said as he settled into straddling his hips. “I want to run the show.”

Brushing his hair off his face, Jim continued to smile down at Bones. The heat and love in those green eyes, the smile on those lips...he didn’t need anything else. 

Literally nothing else in the world could compare.

“Captain,” the voice called again. Jim didn’t acknowledge it this time, opting instead to slide down Bones’ body to kiss and lick his stomach. “Captain,” the voice insisted a third time.

Was it Spock?

Jim paused in his ministrations, wondering how the hell Spock was even in the room. He must have waited too long to resume, because Bones flipped them. Jim blinked up at Bones before turning his head to the side.

The voice didn’t call out again, or rather, if it did, Jim didn’t hear it, because Bones’ hands stroked and touched, his mouth following down, down...

By the time they had finished, lying in each other’s arms, Jim forgot the voice entirely.

\------

More time passed, though again Jim couldn’t have said how much. It was a never-ending honeymoon phase.

One day after lunch, possibly still early afternoon, they sprawled together across Jim’s couch. Jim lay with his head resting on Bones’ chest as Bones sang softly to him.

The smile was so wide on Jim’s mouth it threatened to split his face in two. Bones stuck to old standards and ballads, words and melodies full of love, as they did little else but this for hours.

Jim opened his eyes, tilting his face up to capture Bones’ lips in a kiss when something caught his attention in the corner. He turned and was so startled he jumped, tumbling off the couch and onto the floor. 

Spock stood across the room with an eyebrow raised.

Bones bent down, reaching Jim and pulling him back next to him on the cushions. “Clumsy,” Bones said with a smile.

Jim focused his attention on the Vulcan. “What are you doing here? How’d you even get in?”

Bones stroked Jim’s back through the fabric of his shirts. He didn’t even look at Spock; his entire attention was on Jim.

Spock stepped forward without getting too close. “Captain. This is not real.”

Jim’s jaw clenched as he swallowed.

“Since your accident,” Spock continued. “We have learned much about the plant species. It surrounds its victims, causing them to enter a dreamlike euphoria where, presumably, their fondest wishes come to life. This life you have, here in this room...none of it is true.”

Now Jim’s hands shook in his lap. Bones continued to focus on Jim.

“I understand this would not be easy to recognize,” Spock said. “I also understand it would be difficult to walk away...”

“I know,” Jim whispered.

Spock froze. His eyebrows furrowed as he opened his mouth to ask.

“I fucking know,” Jim said, his voice rising in volume on every word. “I knew the whole fucking time. I’ve known the whole fucking time. _I’ve known the whole fucking time!_ ”

For once in his life, Spock looked shocked. His mouth hung open a bit, and his eyes were as wide as they were capable of getting. “I do not...I do not understand.”

Bones’ hand stroked Jim’s neck.

Jim swallowed a second time, the words getting caught in his throat. His eyes burned with bitter tears. “Do you really think I wouldn’t know it was fake? He’s never once wanted me. Not once, not ever. Not even wondered what if about him and me. He doesn’t see me at all out there.” Jim wrung his hands. “So yeah, Spock, I knew. Because my dreams are the only place he’ll ever be mine.”

Spock’s eyes drifted down to the floor as he considered Jim’s words. “You have been free of the flower’s effects for weeks, yet will not rouse from a coma in reality,” Spock said. “Doctor McCoy has done everything medically sound to revive you. My arrival here via mind meld is a last resort, an act of desperation...”

“Go away,” Jim said. “Please, Spock. I’m... _happy_ here. Please just let me stay. Please. _Please_.”

“Jim,” Spock said, and the look in his eyes more than the tone of his voice told Jim how sorry he was. “Jim, you are the captain of the _USS Enterprise_. You have a crew of over one thousand people depending upon you. If you do not wake up, you will be sent to Starfleet Medical for the rest of your days, and we will be given a new captain.”

“I don’t care,” Jim said. “This is what I want. This life here. I can’t go back. Not now that I know what it’s like. I can’t wake up now that I’ve actually been happy. For what? To lose everything? That’s not fair, Spock. I can’t---”

“Are you really happy, Jim?” Spock asked. “With an illusion? With false words and something that is untrue? Can you truly be happy this way?”

Jim looked at Bones, who still sat ignoring Spock. There was love lighting in Bones’ eyes, and Jim saw the soft smile on his face and felt the warmth of his hand. 

Bones loved him here.

Jim’s eyes stayed focused on Bones’ face. “Leave, Spock. And don’t do this again. Don’t come back here.”

Spock inclined his head in a nod, and when Jim glanced back to where he’d been standing, nothing and no one was there. Jim turned his full attention back to Bones.

Bones’ eyes at that moment were the most beautiful sight Jim had ever witnessed. Forest green, hazel, and gold, bright and shining like the most vibrant stars, so full of love and care.

That only existed because Jim willed it into being.

Jim closed his eyes, casting his gaze down to his lap. Frustrated, angry tears welled up in his eyes. He forced himself to look back up at Bones as one spilled down his cheek. Without missing a beat, Bones wiped it off with his thumb. He smiled at Jim, not wavering at all.

Before Bones could ask, Jim pulled him close, his head resting on Bones’ shoulder. The tears kept coming as he just held him for fifteen minutes, an hour. 

“I love you,” Bones said.

Jim’s face crumpled, and he closed his eyes. “I know,” he said. “You’re all I’ve ever really wanted. And I love you. And I will always love you with all I’ve got.”

Bones began to hum again. Jim committed the sound to memory, brushing the tears off his face with the back of a hand. Pulling back, he looked at Bones with the biggest smile he could muster. 

Then he stood, stepping away from the couch towards the door. He bit his lip, forcing himself to not look back for fear of losing his resolve. When he reached the door, he paused. 

That time he did look, and Bones still sat on the couch with a smile. “I’ll wait here for you, Jim,” he said. “I’ll be here.”

Jim bit back a sob. The tears fell a second time, and everything within him shattered.

Then he opened the door and stepped into the hall.

\-----

The attempt to open his eyes was difficult. Everything about his body felt like it was made of lead while swimming in Jell-o. After about eight attempts, Jim succeeded only to stare at the sickbay ceiling.

He also noticed the sound of a person humming, though his brain moved too slow to recognize the song. 

“Wake up,” he heard the person whisper. “Jim, I need you to wake up.”

The humming resumed, louder than before. It felt like maybe someone was touching him, but he couldn’t tell for certain. He instead concentrated on focusing his vision and trying to speak. Jaw opening only somewhat, Jim realized how dry his throat and mouth were.

He tried to say a word, even if just hello or something, but what came out instead was a low groan.

The humming stopped. “Jim?”

Jim finally recognized who it was by his side, and it made tears well in his eyes. He made another sound, trying to turn away from Bones. He was unsuccessful, though, as Bones’ face appeared in his field of vision.

“Jim,” Bones said. His voice was full of relief, his eyes filled with hope. “Jim? It’s me. You’re in sick bay, and you’re going to be all right!” He turned away. “Geoff! He’s opened his eyes! Spock!”

Jim turned his face away, trying to turn all the way onto his side. He squeezed his eyes closed, struggling not to cry. 

It’s not that he thought Bones would declare his love for him when he woke...but the hope had been there just the same. 

It was too much to bear.

“Jim,” Bones said as the curtain was pulled back. Jim heard two sets of footsteps, but he didn’t look toward anyone. “Jim, let us----“

“..eave,” Jim said, though his voice shook.

“What?” A shadow draped over Jim’s face, causing him to close his eyes even tighter. 

“ _Leave_ ,” Jim managed. “Go.”

“Captain,” Geoff said. “You’ve been out for almost two months. We need to---“

“You can stay,” Jim said. “I want them to go. Both of them.”

Spock cleared his throat, but didn’t speak. Bones also stayed silent for a while. “Jim...”

“Go!” Jim said as he struggled not to scream. “Just go. _Go._ ”

There was a long pause before he heard one person leave. After another minute, Bones said, “But...” Then he sighed. “Okay, Jim. I’ll...see you.”

Bones retreated, probably to his office, and Jim took a deep breath to steady himself. He rolled onto his back, meeting Geoff’s worried gaze. “Are you in pain?” Geoff asked.

“No,” Jim lied, though it wasn’t Geoff’s job to be concerned with matters of the heart. “I just can’t move very well, but I don’t want to stay here longer than I have to. I don’t want Bones coming near me.”

The worry faded from Geoff’s face into shock. “At all?”

“Not even to say hello,” Jim said, and while his tone left no room for argument, he couldn’t prevent his voice from shaking. “I never want to see him again.”

Geoff turned in the direction Jim assumed Bones went. He opened his mouth for a minute before thinking twice. “It’s not my business,” Geoff finally said. “I’ll keep him away, Captain, and I’ll make arrangements to be your treating physician for as long as you’d like.”

“Thanks,” Jim said. He sighed, feeling tired again. “I want to sleep.”

“Honestly, I’m surprised you haven’t already passed back out with how long you were in that coma,” Geoff said as he shined a light in Jim’s eyes. “Though we still have no clue what exactly led to it. We got those damn flowers off you within an hour. You just didn’t wake back up.”

Jim closed his eyes once he finished. “Allergy.”

“Perhaps,” Geoff said. He read the vitals on the biobed’s display. “Get some sleep. I’ll outline a treatment plan including physical therapy for you. We need to get some movement back into these limbs of yours.”

Jim made a noise that was an assent. His breathing evened out, and he slept. 

Bones, his almost lover Bones, greeted him.

\-----

It took weeks of toiling away at therapy, along with long bouts of sleep and some speech treatments and tests of his cognitive function, but Jim was finally cleared to leave sickbay with the caveat that he take another ten days to do nothing but rest in his quarters.

Quietly defying Geoff, Jim read up on the reports on what happened to him, although he pointedly did not read Bones’. All of them said the same thing: the plant was highly dangerous. Ultimately, it took biohazard gear and a laser cutter to free him along with the others who tried to get him out of it with their bare hand, as the crewmen who tried to free him initially got grabbed and suckered into its thrall as well. 

They just came out of it faster.

They transported him to sickbay, where he was watched and worked on for the duration. Spock’s mind meld really had been a last resort.

Jim hadn’t seen him since the day he woke up.

Staring down at the PADD in his hands, Jim saw the headers for Bones’ report and personal log of the events. He almost, but didn’t, open it. Instead he went over to his cabinet, pulling out a bottle of scotch and a glass. He poured a nice-sized helping of the liquor, pausing to take a sip. 

His door opened behind him.

Jim sighed, not even bothering to turn around. “I made it clear I don’t want to talk to you, Spock.”

“I’m not Spock,” said Bones.

Jim set the glass down on the counter, mostly so he wouldn’t squeeze it so hard it shattered. “Did Geoff not tell you I never want to see you again?”

“He did,” Bones said. His voice sounded like an open wound. “I’ve tried to honor it, but I can’t anymore.”

“You don’t get to decide---“

“I can’t,” Bones said, talking over him. “Because I don’t know _why_. I don’t know what I did or where I went wrong. And Jim I can’t...anyone else. I would get over this with anyone else, but I can’t take this coming from you.”

“Too bad,” Jim said. “Now leave. That’s an order.”

“No.”

Jim made a loud, annoyed noise. He whirled around to face Bones, but what he saw stopped his anger. 

Bones hadn’t shaved in at least a week, and his eyes were red-rimmed with dark circles underneath. He also looked like he wasn’t eating, his shirt hanging more loosely than it should have. 

Even on the day they met, strung out, one step from a panic attack, and breath laced with sour bourbon, Bones had looked better. 

“I’m not leaving even if you order me,” Bones continued. “I’m owed better than this.”

With that one sentence, the anger filled Jim anew. The years of pain, of loving from afar with no reciprocation, came bursting out in the scowl on his face and the fists at his sides. “Fuck off. I don’t owe you shit. You’ve never given a damn about me. Why the fuck would you now?”

The sorrow drained out of Bones to be replaced by an eerie calm rage Jim never saw him have before. His eyes glinted like glass, and when he spoke, his voice stabbed Jim in the heart. 

“I’ve never given a damn about you? _I’ve never given a damn about you?_ I risked my career to smuggle you on this ship, this very ship, the one you have command of, because I couldn’t stand leaving you behind. I risked my career _again_ to bring you back from the dead, and then I spent two weeks agonizing over you, cleaning you up, shaving you, making sure it worked. And then, you get eaten by a plant and fall into a coma, and I do it all _again_. Constant medical treatments, constant singing to you, talking to you, praying that you would wake back up!”

Jim filled with shame. It still hurt that in spite of all of that, Bones didn’t love him, but now he realized how out of line his words were. Bones cared. Bones had never done anything less than care completely, but because he didn’t love him romantically, Jim threw it out the window to nurse his wounds.

“All of the things I’ve done, every little thing I’ve done...I even stayed away because I thought it’d make you happy!” Bones’ tirade continued, his voice pitching higher on every word. “But I wanted to know what the fuck I did to make you hate me so I could fix it like I can anything else, and now you act like I’ve given zero fucks? And that after all the years and time we’ve spent together, I don’t deserve en explanation for why the best friend I’ve ever had suddenly wants me gone?”

“You don’t understand,” Jim said, his voice breaking. “I can’t be around you anymore. I can’t...I can’t... _I can’t._ ”

As quickly as it came, the anger fled Bones. He sagged, his eyes dropping down to the floor. “You really do hate me.”

Jim’s eyes stung, because as much as he couldn’t be around Bones...he never meant to cause him so much pain either. He needed a way to move on, and he couldn’t with Bones looking at him. He’d figure it out.

“Do you want me gone?” Bones asked.

“I already told you to leave,” Jim said.

“Off the ship,” Bones said. His voice was hollow. “Do you want me off the ship?”

Jim didn’t reply. Mostly because he didn’t know his answer.

Bones closed his eyes and exhaled. If his voice had been an open wound earlier, now it hemorrhaged nothing but brutal pain. “Fine. You’ll have my transfer request by the morning.”

Before he could turn to leave, Jim buried his face in his hands and screamed. He lifted his face, blinking as fast as he could as his knees gave out. Bones stared at him for a second before rushing to him, helping him sit down on the floor as gracefully as possible. Jim’s breathing was shallow and ragged as he did everything in his power to prevent himself from further losing his shit.

Bones grabbed his head, pressing it into his shoulder. He stroked Jim’s hair like he was a stray dog he was trying to soothe. Jim shook in his arms, all of the pain and anger seeping out of him. He struggled to think with clarity, to do anything but sit in a heap half-draped over Bones.

It took him a while, he didn’t know how long, before he realized Bones had started humming. It took him another few minutes after that to realize he’d been crying the whole time. 

God, he was doing way too much of that.

Jim wiped his eyes with the back of his arm. Sniffling, he fought down a hiccup as the last remnants of his energy drained out of him. 

Then he noticed what Bones was singing, realizing it was the one song that he kept going back to in his dream when it wasn’t “The Way You Look Tonight.”

“I’ll always love you, and make you happy,” Bones sang, “If you will only say the same...but if you leave me to love another, you will regret it all one day...”

Jim lifted his head to look at Bones.

“You are my sunshine,” Bones said, though his voice began to falter. “My only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you...please don’t take my sunshine away...” 

Jim swallowed. “No,” he said.

The singing stopped. “You don’t like the song.”

He loved the song. “No, it’s not fair. You can’t. My dream...I...you can’t.”

Bones’ eyes widened. “Your dream? I was in it?”

Barking out a bitter laugh, Jim shook his head. “Right, like Spock didn’t tell you everything.”

“He didn’t,” Bones said. “All he said was that he didn’t think you’d ever come back to m...us.”

Jim wiped his eyes again. “I almost didn’t.”

His back stiffening, Bones bit his tongue.

“I was happy,” Jim said. “For the first time in my adult life, I was truly happy. Why should I have given that up?”

Bones didn’t say anything for a long time. When he did, his voice had that same hollow quality it did before. “What are...what do you need? To be happy?”

Jim’s eyes dropped to the carpet. “Nothing you’d be willing to give.”

It took another long spell for Bones to speak. “I’d...there’s...” Jim hazarded a glance, and he saw a deep, abiding sadness in his eyes. “I accepted long ago I’m not what you want, but there’s...there’s nothing at all I can do? Because Jim, I really can’t bear this. Anything else but...not this.”

Jim sat straight, though he was still half in Bones’ lap. He stared at him. “What do you mean?” he asked.

Bones sighed. “I mean that there have only been three instances in my life I wished I was dead. When my father...you know. And when Spock said you’d never wake up.” Bones chewed on his chapped bottom lip. “And just now, when you said you want me off the ship.”

“Why would that make you want to die?” Jim said. His brain couldn’t come up with anything that made sense, but his heart...oh, his heart! 

“Because I...” Bones said. “Because I know I’m not the one for you, but you’ve always been the one for me. I can handle a lot of things as long as you’re happy, including you choosing someone else. But I can’t bear your death or hatred. It’s too much.”

Jim closed his eyes, struggling to push away from Bones. Bones wouldn’t let him, though, his grip was firm. “No, it’s not real. I’m still sleeping. There’s no way this is real! The only place you want me is----”

Bones didn’t let him go, taking one hand and tilting his chin slightly up. Before Jim could finish, he closed the scant distance with a soft, chaste kiss. Jim’s speech died, his eyes opening wide as Bones’ lips lingered on his own. It broke after a minute, and against his mouth, Bones said, “Does that feel like a dream?”

And the truth was, it didn’t. The dream kisses always felt sort of generic, like an amalgamation of the best kisses Jim had ever received without anything unique from them that made them noteworthy. They were loving and warm, but this one felt instantly real in a way Jim couldn’t define. Maybe it was the scratch of Bones’ beard, maybe the stale mint of toothpaste from when Bones brushed his teeth. 

But with that one touch of their mouths, Jim knew it was the truth.

He looked at Bones, swallowing once. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“Why didn’t you?” Bones said.

Fear. 

Rejection. 

“None of my reasons seem very good at the moment,” Jim admitted.

“I know,” Bones said. “Mine too.”

Before Jim could say anything further, Bones slapped him hard upside the head.

“Owwwwwwww,” Jim complained.

“You shithead,” Bones said with a pronounced frown. “You were pushing me to leave the damn ship because you thought I didn’t love you? For Christ’s sake, Jim, a two year old could take lessons from you in temper tantrums.”

Rubbing his head, Jim scowled. 

Though, Bones did have a point, and a very good one at that. 

“I’m sorry,” Jim said. “My dream was you, and it was the best thing I’ve ever felt, and it...it hurt waking up and going back to us just being friends. I didn’t know how to handle it so I pushed you and Spock away rather than face you.”

Closing his eyes, Bones shook his head a few times. “I get it. I do, but you’re still an ass.”

“I am the biggest of asses,” Jim said. Bones’ hand came towards his head, and Jim closed his eyes and ducked in preparation.

Bones’ hand stroked Jim’s hair, his face glowing with an affectionate rebuke. “Don’t do this again. Even if I didn’t love you, our friendship has never been meaningless or contingent upon us having sex.”

“I know,” Jim said. “I’m sorry.” For the first time in ages, Jim smiled, a real smile, soft and sure. He leaned in close to Bones, inhaling his scent. “You need to shower,” he declared.

“I did yesterday,” Bones said. “You’re not eating; I can feel your ribs.”

“Haven’t been hungry,” Jim said. “Your beard is like a copper brush.”

“How much have you been drinking every day?” Bones asked, pointedly ignoring Jim’s comment.

“More than I should be,” Jim admitted. “You’re not sleeping.”

“I think I finally can now,” Bones said. “Think I finally can.”

Jim buried his face in Bones’ neck. He felt like he finally woke up for real, both from the coma and from his depressed state. There was probably some healing still left to do, but they would get through it. 

The dream had been nice, but it couldn’t compare to reality, to actually having Bones want him. 

Jim moved back to look at Bones again, and Bones smiled. They sat together, Bones pulling Jim still closer.

And that time, when Bones began to sing, Jim let him finish.


End file.
